With the trachy out, it was time to start breathing through my mouth. My nose was entirely blocked so there was no chance of it helping me out. My mouth got so dry. Night time was the worst. I already wasn’t sleeping much, but now my mouth and throat were dry and burning. And I couldn’t swallow. I could use little pink sponges to moisten my mouth but it didn’t really help. So I grabbed a syringe and syringed water into my mouth to properly coat it. Then I realised I could swallow my saliva and I could put water in my mouth and I may have cheekily combined the two a little. It didn’t make my mouth any less dry during the night, it didn’t stop me waking up constantly, but it did bring me some relief.

The Trachy was out on the Friday. On Saturday Dr Claire came to visit me and said I could start trying to drink clear liquids. I sheepishly said I had been experimenting with it a tiny bit. I showed her and her two doctor friends in tow how I had been syringing water into my mouth and swallowing it.

I had to do it over the sink because there was always a chance I would spill it. I couldn’t close my mouth so it was hard to make a seal. But I managed to seal my bottom lip with my flap. It had been almost 2 weeks since I’d had anything to drink, and a lot had changed in my mouth. But I practiced.

When Mum and Dad came to visit that day we went down to the cafe and had a peppermint tea. I shared it with my jumper, but I did get to enjoy some of it. Dad also popped out to get me some Ribena. The Ribena was amazing. It got rid of the horrible taste in my mouth, and it was pretty nice to taste something sweet and cold and delicious.

The following day I was allowed to progress to REAL TEA and we went down to the cafe again and I had my first cup of tea in 2 weeks. I don’t think I have ever gone that long without tea. I hope to never do it again.

On the Monday I had an assessment with the speech therapist Lucy to assess my swallow. I like her. She was the one I met before the surgery, and seeing her in hospital felt like meeting up with an old friend. She was amazed by how well I was doing considering my lips wouldn’t meet and I had just had this massive surgery! My swallow was not compromised, though my mouth was being a bit tricky. We tried a syrupy chocolate supplement drink and then custard. Using the spoon was difficult because I didn’t have a top lip available to scrape the contents off it but I quickly found I could use my bottom lip for that job. So I would put the spoon in my mouth, flip it, scrape it off, and say ‘mmmm custard’. (I like custard).

I was spurred forward by this and that afternoon I was given the ok to move to puree food. I ordered pureed salmon for dinner. But they ran out. So I got puree roast beef. Um… why is that a thing? It was horrible. I struggled to get it in my mouth, I struggled to get it off my spoon, and I struggled to swallow it as it was like dry paste. Not to mention it was yuck. The soup and the yoghurt I was fine with though. It was messy, and I had to cover myself in a towel, but I got through it. They would be assessing me to see if I would have to go home with the feeding tube or not, and it seemed likely I would. I’d had my training, I had the pump etc. I was ready to feed myself at home. I wasn’t looking forward to it, but figured it was better than staying in hospital for too long.

The next day Deepti came in for the Doctor’s visit. The first thing she said to me was ‘how would you feel if I told you that you could go home today?’

I was in shock. ‘I would feel very good!’ I finally exclaimed.

It was Tuesday. Two weeks and one day after first surgery, one week and three days after second. There had been talk of me going home near the end of the week, but I had just been saying to my parents the day before that I didn’t know how I’d last many more nights in there. They were starting to take their toll.

Deepti asked how I was going with my eating. I said it was difficult, but I was fine with the soup and yoghurt, custard etc. and drinking, but I found the puree food tricky. She said she trusted me to sort out eating and promptly took out my feeding tube. I can’t explain how happy I was. I had not been feeling very well with the feed they’d been giving me and I hated being hooked up to it. I wanted to be mobile and zoom about the place.

I was freed from my shackles and about to be freed from my incarceration! I couldn’t believe it!

The rest of the morning was spent packing, getting loaded up with supplement drinks, dancing around the room with Clarence, saying goodbye to nurses and Kat the physio (I was going to miss her the most) and waiting for my medication so I could LEAVE. I was excited to tell my parents when they turned up for their daily visit that I would be leaving with them!

I was exhausted when I got home. I hardly had the energy to say hi to my housemates. But I did. Then went to bed. I had a long way to go, but I was home. No more being woken up every few hours. No more having to buzz and wait and ask every time I needed something. No more freezing cold dry room. No more having to appear perky for every new visitor. I could just lie on the couch, drink smoothies and feel sorry for myself. Things were looking up.