So it turns out I now have a problem with MRIs.

I guess I’m feeling a bit fragile at the moment. A bit emotionally unstable. In a big way because I’ve just found out I’ve got to cancel all plans for the next year or so. But also the fact that I can’t use my hands is getting to me. I struggle to tie shoelaces, I can no longer wear anything with buttons, even jeans are out. I can’t hold a pen or write… And there are a few other things that are all adding to the stress. Yeah I’ve got a lot on my plate to deal with, emotionally. And still recovering from my last chemo too.

Anyway. I had to go in for an MRI today. On a Sunday. Poor imaging people working on a Sunday. I usually quite enjoy MRIs. But this time I almost freaked out immediately when they first put me in. My heart started racing, I felt really hot, I felt like I was boxed in. I honestly felt like I had to break out. Hey claustrophobia, that’s what you feel like! I’ve almost felt it once before back in high school when we went caving and did one particular cave that was a tight passage going down to the cave and back up. B45 I think was its name. So unassuming. I didn’t have a problem then but I remember being on the cusp of thinking it could go either way.

I almost pushed the panic button early on, I really thought I couldn’t make it, but I managed to calm myself down when the MRI started. I never know whether it’s better to keep your eyes closed or look out through the little periscope peep hole. But I did some deep breathing and tried to stay calm. It worked for a while but then I started to stress out again. The MRI operator asked over the speaker if I was ok. I said I was stressing out a bit and they said they had noticed a bit of movement on the last scan.

They came in and pulled me back out for a bit. I had to stay in the brace and hold still but at least I could breathe for a sec. Deep breath in, deep breath out. Still feeling boxed in, wasn’t sure how I would deal with the rest of it. Still 15mins left.

One of the imaging girls offered to hold my hand for the last bit. What an absolutely beautiful person. I thought it seemed as bit silly to need it but I took her up on her offer. She said she had done it before, it wasn’t weird or abnormal. So we held hands and I went back in. Knowing the outside world was just there made a huge difference, it felt like I wasn’t actually that far away.

The other added, though unintended, positive of this hand holding is that I was concentrating so hard in not squeezing the hell out of her hand that it helped to distract me from the tiny tube I was confined in. One of the other bonuses of this peripheral neuropathy is that my hands have a mind of their own at the moment. They move around on their own and clench themselves of their own accord. So they were cramping up and probably clenching super hard but I couldn’t feel how hard they were holding, so I was concentrating pretty hard on that.

It also helped that the other girl who was doing the scanning from the other room gave me updates on how much longer I had to go. They also came in 5 minutes from the end to inject me with some dye so that was a nice little break too. Not to mention they turned the radio on and between the thumps of the scans, I heard ‘I’m Only Sleeping’ by The Beatles serenading me.

I got through it fine, but I don’t know if I would have if the angel of an imager hadn’t come to my rescue. And they were both so lovely and patient. They said to try and bring someone along with me next time just in case. I don’t know if it was just this time or if I’ve developed a problem but it might be a good idea to take a helping hand along next time – anyone feel like having their hand squeezed off for a while?