‘Jen, you’re my last patient so you’re going to have to wait a bit.’ Said Deepti as she took in another patient.
I smiled. That’s fine, obviously. To be honest I was just really happy to know it was her I would be seeing.
‘Don’t worry, it’s all good’ she said with a thumbs up.
I breathed out heavily with a smile. I was waiting for the results of my first MRI post surgery. I know the surgeons were optimistic they’d got it all out but my meeting with my Oncologist on Monday had put a bit of doubt in my mind.
Did this comment mean the results were good? I would have to wait a bit longer to know for sure but I took it to mean all was well.
I wasn’t really *worrying*, I generally don’t worry until there’s actually something to worry about. But hearing these words, I did breathe a sigh of relief. A sigh of relief that felt like I had been holding my breath for days.
Some of my fellow cancer friends speak of ‘scanxiety’. They worry before the scan, during the scan, and then spend the time waiting for results, worrying that the worst will eventuate. I kinda get it… You want to be realistic. There’s a chance things are bad, prepare yourself for it. But I don’t think like this, in terms of worry. Sure, I have a quick acknowledge that there’s no guarantee the results will be good, but I wait until I know they’re not to start worrying about it. And even then my worry manifests as ‘ok well… What do I do now?’
No crippling panic, just a need to know the game plan.
But this time there was no need for a game plan. The news was good. The scan results had come back clear. This was no shock to Deepti, who had been confident all along. And I was confident in her. In my surgeons. That’s not to say there aren’t instances when it’s not entirely successful, I’m sure – they’re incredible, but some things just can’t be done. But they had thought at the time that they got the whole tumour out, so that’s what I was going on.
And indeed it’s looking like they have!
I’ve said it before, but Deepti is a truly amazing human. The amount of excitement and happiness and damnit, love! I feel when I see her is a testament to how great she is and how important her role is in the team. Her manner, her honesty, the way she truly cares… I’m already looking forward to seeing her again in 3 months.
Hell, 3 months!!! That’s just insanity!! It wasn’t long ago I was seeing them every day, and now I’m on my own for 3 months!! It’s pretty exciting really.
I also dropped in today to see Kat the physio, absolutely always a pleasure to see her. I unintentionally also visited my friend who I wrote about a few days ago – I only intended on dropping off a card but I ended up seeing him. I was actually really heartened by seeing him. I’m smiling now as I think of it. He still got a way to go but my goodness will he make it. I think back now to those days where it felt like it would actually never end. But that’s the important part… Think back. I still marvel at the fact that I’m 10 weeks post second surgery. I survived it. And he will too.
Anyway, it is well past my bedtime. The Moët I drank tonight in celebration was more delicious than I remember Moët to be. That’s the taste of hope, excitement, relief and victory. And the support I’ve received from people following this news has lifted me up so high. I love you all.