So I’ve been trying to start going back to work. It’s harder than I thought it would be. That’s why I’ve disappeared from here for a bit, just concentrating on getting through the days. I didn’t realise it had been quite so long since my last post.
The first point to make is how lucky I am that my work is being so supportive. It sounds like a cliche but they feel like family, and they’ve been there for me when I’ve needed them. I could write a novel about how grateful I am.
People tried to prepare me for the struggles I would meet in trying to get back into life and work and I figured that wouldn’t apply to me. I mean hey, I was even working when I could during my months of chemo. Why would this be any worse? Oh wow, it’s worse.
Physically, it’s hard. I get tired (really tired) and some days I can’t even get out of bed, let alone out of the house, let alone do a day of work. But I managed four days last week, so I’m pretty happy with that. I don’t know why I’m so exhausted, I was bad from chemo but have been so much worse since surgery. It took me weeks post surgery to be able to get through the day without needing a nap. I’m better now, but definitely need to build back up to where I was a year ago.
At the moment it seems to go one of two ways – either I’m fine and can go to work and last quite well and be perky and useful, maybe even manage going out for dinner after work, or I can’t move or use my brain at all and even just talking to someone takes it out of me. There seems to be nothing in the middle. I’m learning what I’m capable of and what is pushing myself too hard. It’s so funny starting from scratch and having no idea what you can and can’t do. Everything I once knew has changed.
The other difficult thing is mentally coming back to work. I mean it’s hard to go back to work after a week off. Try being off for months after having had every part of you attacked. I’ve used my brain reading and writing over the past year but getting my mind back into work is hard. Chemo brain is a thing, and they say it can take a year to get anaesthetic out of your system. Having said that, I still remember everything that happened when I was there and have caught up on emails of things that happened in between.
But more than that, they have survived without me all this time, it’s been hard trying to work out how I fit back into it all. Am I still needed? And it feels so weird just trying to slot back into my old life as if nothing happened. I’ve been feeling pretty down over the last few weeks, just feeling so overwhelmed by it all and not knowing where I fit into my old life, or where it fits into me. But after the first couple of weeks of just focussing 100% on work and not being able to do anything else, I have started doing some socialising too, which has made all the difference. A Saturday night spent at the local pub with my housemates, a drink after work with colleagues. Getting back to work full time is my main priority, but I’ve realised I can’t do it at the expense of everything else, so now I’m trying to balance it with occasionally seeing friends. I even went to a friend’s gig the other night, and I just re-joined the gym and did my first (easy) workout in almost a year.
It will get easier, it will get better. But, as warned, this part is difficult. People say to me ‘wow! Everything’s finished, you’re all better now!’ I appreciate the thought and the sentiment, but that’s so far from the truth. But I’m doing well. I’m starting to feel a lot stronger. I’m struggling to get good sleep thanks to not being able to breathe through my nose, but hopefully the few hours I manage are enough to keep me going.
Everyone who checks in on me or asks when we can catch up gives me more strength, and every day I manage to feel more normal gets me one step closer to living my life properly again.