At the risk of saying the same thing over and over again (though if you’re anything like me, repetition of a useful idea never goes astray), I wanted to tell you about a conversation I had yesterday at my local organic shop. That’s a bougie sentence isn’t it… I’m sure I’ll discuss organic food at another time (it’s a big topic and fairly divisive). Anyway, as always, I digress.

My little area where I live has exploded into such a beautiful community – I’m friends with my neighbours, with my local barista, the people at the pharmacy, various other store owners, people I meet in my local park… It’s fab. It’s really bloomed since I moved here five years ago. Stood in my street yesterday chatting to two of my neighbours in the sun, then I headed off for a walk. We’ve finally got a couple of sunny days here and we’ve been desperate for it.

So I was picking up a few things on my way back from a walk, and catching up with my friend at the Organic shop.

‘Back on your own?’ She asked.
‘Yep, parents have gone back now.’
‘And how long until you and your mum are off to India?’
I told her, and also mentioned I’m out of London for two weddings coming up, plus I think I’m going back to Paris for another couple of weeks, and I feel like I’ve almost been out of London as much as I’ve been in it this year! Not a complaint, oh my, no, just a bit of a whirlwind. I feel very grateful for this little life of mine, this year has been beyond incredible thus far.

‘You’ve absolutely got to do it though,’ she said. ‘You never know when you might not be able to anymore’.

Oof. That hit me. I know I talked about this in the last post – the cycle of trying to get all the important things done, then drifting back into putting things off, the immediacy of death moving a tiny bit further away, even though I am very aware of how quickly it can go downhill again… But getting out of survival mode is also necessary for survival. So yep, there’s the repetition. But something about how she said it, the emphasis she put on it, the timing perhaps… She didn’t realise how relevant that statement was, just how much gravity a comment like that comes with. For me, anyway.

Of course there might be many reasons that statement might be relevant. For any of us. Health, sure. But also responsibilities, jobs, families, other people’s health, age… I don’t know, really just any change in circumstances might mean we can’t just up and go to Paris for another couple of weeks, or meet your Ma in India. Smaller things too, of course. I’m very very grateful and amazed that this year has been punctuated by so much wonderful travel for me, having not been able to go anywhere for so many years. And I am so thankful to the people who have helped to make it all happen in one way or another – you all know who you are, and the depths of my gratitude are greater than I know how to articulate.

I have a postcard on my wall that says ‘say yes to new adventures‘. For so many years, I had to limit my adventures to hospital visits and whatever small things I had energy and capacity for around that. A lot of lying on the sofa. I can still get absolutely exhausted from events or travelling or loads of social interaction. I need more rest than I ever thought it was possible to need; more hours of sleep at night, more naps, more days at home where I don’t leave the house. I can’t socialise two days in a row, so I have to be quite ruthless with my planning and with saying no if I’m invited to something on a rest day – that can be hard for us I think; saying no when you’re not technically doing something else, but know you’ll need that day to rest… I used to just be able to push through it all, no matter how tired or burned out I was. But not any more. As well as taxing my body, mind and spirit, pushing myself to exhaustion gives the cancer a better chance at getting at me, so I need to be careful. These days I have anxiety around the thought of ‘what happens if I go [somewhere/to something] and I am so exhausted that I can’t move’. It happens, it’s scary.

It’s not like I was thinking of not doing any of it, I jump right in, say yes to anything that feels good without really thinking twice. I really want the adventures. But I do sometimes have a tendency to take on too much, to say yes to too many things and leave myself feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all. But right now, I don’t. Because this is the time for me to do the things, make the memories, live my life as absolutely full and rich and adventurous as I’m capable of doing. Yes, I will probably end up doing more than I’m capable of, but I also often find I can also do a lot more than I think I can. It’s a trade-off and some things are worth it. I am currently able – not without side effects and consequence and difficulties, but I do my best to manage that – hopefully long may it last. I can’t wait until I’m feeling ‘better’ because it might never come. What other excuses do we use not to do the things? Oh, I need more training, I need more experience, I’m just not ready yet, I’ll do it when I…

But these days are the days of our lives.

Last week we decided to allow ourselves to dream, this week we’re giving ourselves permission to do. Do the things now. Life is short. And you never know when you might not be able to anymore.