I recently bought a ‘one line a day’ diary. A few friends had mentioned them and I love the idea of writing a small amount each day and then being able to look back on it. But the only length they make is five years. I looked around for maybe a three year one, which still felt like a long time, but no. Five years only. That’s… a long time. First, the idea of getting one felt wayyyyy too much like tempting fate, and it seemed silly to do it. The stats don’t allow me that kind of time. But then I thought that it felt like an act of rebellion. So I got one. As Rosa said, people buy notebooks all the time and don’t finish them, so it’s hardly a big deal. Oh yeah, good point. It sounds so easy. It’s not a big deal to get a notebook that I might not finish. But it still felt quite huge.
Nothing like an existential crisis over a £5 notebook. I’m glad I got it, it’s got a pretty light blue cover and gold edged paper. It was worth it. And hey, I have hope. The longer I stay alive the more chance I have of staying alive longer, so they say. More time for the research to catch up.
I escaped hospital late on Monday evening. I’d made friends with the lunch/dinner/tea lady, who specifically came and said goodbye to me, and as I Ieft and walked down the corridor, I had all my nurses waving at me. Bye friends, thanks.
Now onto some fun times with my parents. Very excited to see them, it’s been a little while. Lots of things to look forward to. I get my PICC line out next week too, which I’m excited about. I’m going to seize as long as I can of having proper baths and swims and not having to go around with a bandaged arm with tubes coming out of it.
As my friend Katie said, I did that ruthless chemo to have the opportunity to have some free time now. So I’m going to enjoy as much of that as I get. It really hit me over the last few days how full on the last 4 months have been. I’ve just put my head down and got on with it (survival mode) and found ways to enjoy myself along the way, but I’ve either been at chemo or in hospital or sitting at home by myself, with the occasional day here and there of a friend coming to visit. I’ve not been able to be out living all that much (though you know me, I’m always having adventures, even if it’s just to go to the hospital). So now is my chance to make up for lost time (with rests). I’ve literally earned it. I’ve worked hard to get some time off. I just hope it’s a decent amount of time… My next MRI is May 17, so we’ll see what that says I guess.
For now, let’s enjoy ourselves, shall we?! What a time to be alive!