‘There’s something in your last MRI that wasn’t there in the previous one and we’re worried about it.’
Doesn’t he know that’s not how the script is meant to go? That I’m meant to get more time before it comes back again?
‘Noooooooo….. I didn’t want to hear that!’
‘I have to tell you, I’m not going to keep information from you…’
‘No, I know. Of course I want to know, but it’s just not what I wanted to hear.’
‘Well, I will always tell you everything.’
‘Yes, I know.’
They never quite get my humour. But I’ve known Greek Oncologist for 4 years now and he’s an absolute gem, really.
‘I’m going to being this to your surgeons this week, so they can see if it’s something they can reach to biopsy. Otherwise, we’ll just have to keep watch and see if it keeps getting bigger.’

I don’t like a watch and wait very much… Hopefully they can get to it and biopsy it. I need answers. It’s a good thing they left me with an empty face then, isn’t it. In my mind that must mean they can just reach in and cut a sample out. Another biopsy. I feel like I only just recovered from my last.

‘It’s going to be cancer isn’t it,’ I say to him. ‘I mean… History says that it will be. What else could it be?’
‘We don’t know yet, but it’s very suspicious. Maybe it’ll just be scar tissue?’
‘Scar tissue that has grown?’
‘Well… Maybe it’s just that it looks like it’s grown because the other swelling has gone down?’

Sure, sure. We share a look that I think says we know it’s unlikely but we’ll hold onto that for now. Anything is possible, right? To quote the great philosophers Hot Chocolate, ‘I believe in miracles (you sexy thing).’

He (my Onc, not someone from Hot Chocolate) tells me that they need to be suspicious of everything and treat it like it’s a problem. I tell him to please not stop doing that, let’s just hope like hell that it’s just being over cautious as opposed to sitting on the edge of another chain reaction pushing me a hell of a lot closer to my demise.

So I’m now waiting to hear about a biopsy and whether it’s possible. I don’t like the idea of having to rush back into hospital to check again for cancer (‘but we need to know what it is’, ‘yes, I do want to, it’s just not what I wanted’ ‘but we should check…’ ‘yes, I know’) but obviously it’s also what I want the most, given the circumstances.

Not what I thought my first update in months would be but we know by now when it comes to this cancer game, you’re always just one scan away from it all coming apart, again.

But hopefully, desperately hopefully, not.

I am busy, I’ve got lots of exciting things in the works. It can’t be my time yet…

But anyway, here’s a cute pic of me and Clarence and my emotional support human (i.e. brilliant friend) Nat who came to the offending MRI with me and held my feet while I hummed Bowie tunes. Then we got brunch and walked the canals and had a G&T. Surely such a fun day can’t possibly result in finding out there’s more cancer…….