Holding patterns…

The ‘packing change’ surgery knocked me around more than I thought it would. It is the smallest surgery I’ve had, but the ongoing effects of it seemed disproportionately large. Though as my dear friend India pointed out, my benchmark for surgeries is pretty high. So even if this one isn’t as big as others, that doesn’t mean it’s not still significant.

I think many surgeries in a row tend to start affecting your body more too. It made me quite tired, but perhaps that’s to be expected, especially when eating is difficult, and pain is constant. The ulcers in my mouth and lips from surgery lasted for well over a week, which made eating even harder than it was anyway. Plus my cheek was sore.

I wasn’t sure how I was going to manage doing it every month while waiting for the reconstruction, how long would it be for? Months? Years? The idea of going through that same thing many, many times was a bit of a grim prospect. It seemed an intense way to find a holding pattern. But people have survived enduring things for unspecified periods of time before. Of course, I would find a way to deal with whatever I had to, there is no other option.

And anyway, I’m quite happy spending time in my flat – resting, reading, writing.

Essentially, it’s a great time to be ill. I’m mostly able to stay at home and rest without having to say no to visitors (who I obviously appreciate, but I’d rather just wait until I’m feeling better). I’m not missing out on anything – No FOMO, because no one is doing anything anyway. I’m not having to smile through pain and pretend I’m fine to people who want to see me. I don’t have to manage my own energy levels around other people. Sometimes it’s ok to just endure things, without the pressure to rush to some designated end point. This quiet, calm life we are living is very nicely aligned with where I want/need to be right now. And indeed I am very happy in my own little world for the time being. It’s a nice little world. And I have the rest of the world at my fingertips, should I need some company. So thank you, fingertips world, for your unwavering support.

Right in the midst of wondering how many times I would keep having to do this ‘packing change’ surgery, I had a chat with Deepti which gave me a bit of hope. She said their plan is that the next surgery, whenever that might be, will be reconstruction. They are starting to discuss it. I’ll have scans in the next month or so, which will be good. Hopefully I will finally meet the OPEN MRI MACHINE that I have been assured does exist, it just has one hell of a waiting list (and can’t actually be used for all instances so I may not be so lucky anyway). But we shall see.

6 Comments Add yours

  1. John Kirby says:

    Hi Jen, thanks for your update.. Despite your pain and discomfort, you sound in good spirit. Almost jolly campared to other messages. Take care, and keep getting better. Lol,


  2. Ash Ross says:

    Hi Jen, it must be exhausting managing your energy when you’re feeling so unwell. I am thankful that amidst this crazy, unpredictable Covid times you are able to have recover in peace and in your own way. I’m excited for your reconstruction. Sounds hopeful.

    I had no idea, until now, that open MRI machines exist. I can understand why the waiting list would be so long.


  3. Alison says:

    You are truly inspirational! Yes we have to get on and deal with what we have to but you do it with a smile and such a great spirit! Very lucky to have met you – best of luck for open mri scan and everything else – wishing you better and stronger every day ❤️ Ali xx


    1. Jen Eve says:

      Ah, thank you so much for your kind words!! Yes, not going forth with a smile (where possible) makes the world a much darker place! So I try my best to smile as often as possible, no matter the situation.


  4. andrew taylor says:

    Fingers crossed for that open MRI but I guess the important thing is to get an MRI and get positive results, Jen. You seem to have worked out a way to get through the enclosed ones although you find it a very stressful situation. I guess a build up of experience after having so many can be of some help. Not to mention having Clarence by your side 😂
    You’re going really well, Jen. Much admiration for your approach to this setback, so proud to be able to call you my Daughter.

    Go well, love ❤️.


    1. Jen Eve says:

      Fingers crossed the open MRI and I can meet, but Clarence will get me through it if we can’t 🙂
      Love you xxx


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