It’s a thing people ask. Like ‘are you going to live or die?’ Like people are watching tv show and want to know the ending.

It’s funny to think of your own life in that way… Two sides of a precarious scale.

Well… we don’t know the ending. There’s no blood test to see if it’s gone. The pathology report is not as good as they might have hoped, but they’re optimistic they got it all out. They like to get a 5mm margin around the tumour but in places they only got 2mm. They are worried it might still be hiding under my cheek, which is common enough if the tumour is in the margins. So now it’s ongoing scans to see if anything shows up. If it does, then it’s back to surgery to see what can be done. I love how nonchalantly my Oncologist speaks about this. ‘If there’s some in your cheek they’ll just have to go in and cut it out’. Oh just that. Maybe I would lose just my cheek, skin, maybe an eye? It’s funny how quickly you can forget all the good a surgeon has done if there is a big ‘bad’ involved. Sometimes ‘but the main thing is that we got the cancer out’ is of little consolation.

I’m reminded of a Neil Finn lyric here… ‘You do what you can to survive…’

I’m hoping I’ll get the results of my first post-surgery scan on Friday. I’m hoping it’ll be miraculously clear and I can go two more months without wondering if I have to go back into surgery asap.

So how do we know if it’s gone? We wait 5 years and see if I’m still alive.

I took a break from blogging for a while, you may have noticed. I took a break from Twitter too, only replying to things and checking on friends. I needed a break from constant reminders of cancer and struggles and… well… Death. I needed to try to be ‘normal’ for a time.

And I’m (hopefully) lucky enough to be able to give it up, while friends are falling deeper in.

My goal is to leave the cancer club. How do I feel about that? Excited, hopeful, desperate, purposeful, righteous, guilty.

My dear friend Amy wanted us all to do something. It was her dying wish. Well, anything I can do, I will. Any way I can help other people going through something similar, any opportunities to assist. While also trying to get back to being ‘normal’ and not having my life encompassed by cancer. I know that’s hard though, everyone speaks of a ‘new normal’ – getting used to a new life that isn’t as spritely or carefree as their previous. Well I don’t want a new normal. I’m determined to try and still live my life as I did, though perhaps with a slight new perspective.

It does make you think for a moment about what’s important in life. But only on a small scale. I’m not ready to quit my job and travel the world… A girl’s gotta eat. And pay for champagne, obvi. Priorities on point.