‘Imagining what might happen if one’s circumstances were different was the only sure route to madness’
– Amor Towles, A Gentleman in Moscow

I read this today and it really put into words something that I had been thinking about for some time.

Where do we get thinking ‘what if this never happened’? I know people can get stuck on this idea, playing over and over in their heads all the things that could have happened if they…
hadn’t turned down that job…
hadn’t broken up with that partner…
hadn’t moved away from friends and family…
were able to have kids..
hadn’t given that child up for adoption…
hadn’t had that accident…
(I’m just making some things up here)
and most poignantly for me at the moment, hadn’t got cancer…

I have never once thought this way, ‘what if things were better’. The closest I get is to say ‘what if I wasn’t lucky enough to be in the UK when I got cancer, and in a job that is so supportive’, which only makes me feel grateful. Sure bad things happen in life but wondering ‘what if they hadn’t happened’ does nothing other than torture yourself.

I also don’t ever think ‘why did this happen to me’ or ‘I don’t think deserve this’. A lot of people don’t ‘deserve’ things that happen to be them – I believe it was the philosopher Billy Joel who said ‘only the good die young’. Life isn’t about what you do or don’t deserve. It is about what you make of it.

Am i glad I got cancer? Hell no. But would I trade the people I’ve met, the friends I’ve made, the experiences I’ve had or the love and support I’ve been shown? Not for anything. Nor would I trade the opportunities I’ve had to offer support to others, I hope I can continue to do this.

I don’t feel like I’ve got a hard bargain. I feel lucky and grateful every day (though I also almost feel like rolling my eyes at myself when reading that back). Things in life happen. Things always happen and it’s up to us to decide how we deal with those things. That’s not to say I’m always happy with everything that happens, getting cancer is shit in every way, and sometimes I do feel a bit sorry for myself. But I never wonder where I would be if it hadn’t happened, I just try to make the most of whatever I’ve ended up with.

I know people who are dying and who know they don’t have long to live and sure they’re devastated about it and don’t want it to happen. But they are some of the most thoughtful people I know, often thinking about others, and they make the most of whatever good moments they can find. One of my friends, with a death sentence at 33, has finished three university degrees, and is spending the last of her time giving talks and spreading awareness for young adult cancer. She is a testament to what you can do with what you’ve got, and she’s one of the most brilliant people I’ve had the pleasure of meeting.

This isn’t to say that you can’t feel sorry for yourself unless you’re dying or have something serious like cancer.

To quote ‘A Man’s Search for Meaning’ by Viktor Frankl, a psychologist who survived Auschwitz:
To draw an analogy: a man’s suffering is similar to the behaviour of gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the “size” of human suffering is absolutely relative.

Sorry to jump to discussing gas chambers on a Friday… (you can’t take me anywhere!) but the point is a good one. Any struggles are legitimate, no matter how big or small they are perceived in relation to other problems. But try not to waste energy in wondering what would happen if you didn’t have them, dwelling on things that are not reality. It only causes problems, not solve them. Get out there and live whatever you’ve got to live for however long you’ve got to live it.

Happy Friday everyone! Enjoy that weekend stretched out ahead of you in whatever way you can!